Thursday, January 31, 2008

Out Damned Spot: Queen Anne Dark Chocolate Peppermint Cordial Cherries

Queene Anne CordialsThat's a mouthful. And so are these classic candies. Queen Anne Dark Chocolate Peppermint Cordials are what the hilarious female, bee hived hair in rollers, watching her stories, would eat in a sitcom. Or a fifties screwball comedy.
The two tiers of ten cordials are filled with drippy fondant and red syrup wrapped in dark chocolate. It doesn't really matter if they taste of plastic and cardboard, and who cares how old they are, you can keep a box in your bomb shelter, and they'll taste the same as they did the day you got them.
The piquant cordials lock in a taste which sticks to your teeth long after you've come to your senses and pushed them aside.
Fools, you can't just close the flap on a box of Queen Anne's Cordial Cherries and be done with it. The creamy sweet filling clings to you like a living thing. They call to you in the night. You'll think how well one or two would go with a glass of skim milk.
"It's skim milk," you'll tell yourself. "There's even milk in the ingredients and peppermint will help with my indigestion (indigestion from eating half a box of cordials)."
The cherry cream is harder to scrape off than a bad boyfriend. You can't wash him off, he's everywhere. Drinking your beer, eating your leftover Uno's Pizza, never filling the ice cube trays...I mean the peppermint cordial cherries (shouldn't that be cherry cordials?) which have oozed onto a copy of my tenant's rights, stick to everything. I've washed my hands twice in the last 15 minutes, and I think there's a kind of Lady Macbeth thing going on with this candy.
You'll have to excuse me, I need a minute to, uh, wash up, yes, wash up and go to bed.
[Evil laugh muffled by the sound of chocolates being stuffed into mouth ends Act V Scene 1.]
WARNING: Apparently the note "REAL CHERRIES—may contain pits or pit fragments" isn't as funny as I thought. These things are getting more sinister by the minute.

21 comments:

Uncivil said...

Too rich for my taste buds! Couldn't eat but one or two of them.
I'm still trying to figure out who named them "Cordials"?
I'd rather have my cherries in a mason jar full of moonshine!

C said...

LOL! Jimmy, you crack me up! I love your sense of humour! :)

I once won a box of those for being the 50th person (carload) at the Drive-In movie theater. We got so sick from all that sweetness that I have yet to try them again. Every time I hear the words "cherry" and "cordial" together, I cringe.

I think the double feature we saw at that Drive-In was "Caveman" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082146/ and some other movie that I fell asleep watching. I have a feeling it was something like "The Man with One Red Shoe".

Is it funny how Cordial Cherries remind me of Drive-In movies? LOL!

Jeanna said...

Sometimes they aren't all that cordial as you can see from the photo.
You'll be happy to know that they're called cordials because they're made with some type of liqueur. In this case chocolate. (Cordial is another name for liqueur.)
Say "hey" to the girls for me today.

Jeanna said...

Chrissy, I got two giant bags of M&Ms for showing up to sing in the choir for a funeral in grade school. The nuns handed us these gigo bags instead of doling them out one by one as usual. It slowed me down some, but I didn't stop eating them.
Caveman or The Man With One Red Shoe, yikes. At least Caveman belongs at a Drive-In.
Spinanch Pizza reminds me of drive-in movies.

Crigg said...

Those things are vicious! I bit into one witha pit in the centre! Almost broke my tooth I swear.... ugh

Uncivil said...

Thanks for explaining that to me Jeanna! Then I guess cherries smothered in moonshine are hard core "Cordial"?
..........
If ya think being cordial means being polite.......you might be a redneck?

C said...

LOL! Jimmy, I <3 you! That last comment was funny! ;)

Jeanna, spinach pizza reminds you of drive-ins? *sigh* I really, REALLY miss drive-ins. Ahhh...the nostalgia!

Jeanna said...

Crigg, ouch. I almost wrote that little tidbit in the post when I read the warning on the box, but thought naahhh, that can't happen. Maybe I'll add a note in your honor. Dang.

Jeanna said...

If you think sticking your mud stained hands in a jar of moonshine cherries is polite...no, wait, you said something about a hunting knife? Wiping off the critter blood to spear drunken cherries?
Oh yeah, James, I'll have you know I had a nightmare about Hilary Clinton last night, probably from some comment you made.
If she ain't our next president I'll adopt a squirrel.

Jeanna said...

Hey Chrissy, you tuned in the sound at our drive-in on your radio, so we walked around with radios to the four screens. We'd stock up on groceries, grab a hot pizza, various party favors, and make a night of it.
I'm not up on my emoticons; <3 looks like a mouse, nose and butt, or less than three.
Oh Jimmy, I less than butt you too!

Uncivil said...

Jeanna

I swear, you and C know how to make the comments section one hell of a fun time!!!!
I'm totally confused on the ( >3 )emoticon?
Jeanna looks at it and sees "less than butt"! I look at it and see "less than breast", or even worse "less than nutz" as in trucknutz!

Funny, you two are talk'n bout spinach pizza? I went to NY Pizza downtown Wilmington the other day and got a slice of my favorite, Roma cheese and spinach, plus a slice of meat lovers, stuck em together and made a sandwich out of it. Then Bill Saffo the Mayor of Wilmington walked in and I almost gagged on it!
He's almost as sleazy as Hill & Billary Clinton!
I'm glad I didn't say anything bad about him to the Pizza tossers or they would have poisoned me!

Jeanna
I hope I get to help you pick out your squirrel!!!!!!!
If she's our next president, I hope she goes bird hunting with Dick Cheney or a ride with Ted Kennedy!

Uncivil said...

Oh Lawd? I need spell check for rednecks? I used the (>) more than symbol? Where were we?

C said...

BAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG, I damn near fell off my chair reading that! I have a confession. I am way behind in emoticons too. I actually just learned that <3 = heart. I just learned that last week! LOL! I saw it on another blog friend's blog. She got an "I less than 3 your blog" award and I was like WTF? For the entire week, I was trying to decipher what it meant. What the heck does less than three your blog mean? I guess I'm not one of those creative types (as I thought myself to be). I couldn't see that the <3 looked like a heart. Jeanna, it does look like a nose or butt, doesn't it? LOL!

*sigh* Jimmy and Jeanna, you make blog commenting so much fun.

BTW, we used to have to tune into the radio too for the drive-in movies. I remember bringing pillows, blankets, and making a night of it too. I also remember hiding friends in the trunk and under the blanket so we could sneak them in for free.

Are there any drive-ins left in Wisconsin? Sadly, they're dying off over here :( There are only an handful left.

Jeanna said...

I saw our mayor talking to a cockroach once.
That does look like greater than a sack. And speaking of ball sacks, the evil Republican Party has worn out their welcome, Mary M.
Trucknutz—then a four wheel drive would be weird. Front wheel drive? All terrain? Fog lights?

Jeanna said...

How could I not see a heart in that, Chrissy? Shows you how my life is going. And this place is granny style full of Valentine's Day stuff. Has been since New Year's.
(Granny style, now there's a set up for you James.)
When we brought the blankets and settled down we risked the chance of getting run over. Some jerk teens that worked there tried to run us over once when we were sitting outside the car. I think we got a bunch of free tickets out of it. And still we snuck people in.
There are drive-ins just to the east and south of us, about 20 miles in each direction. I think the Dells has one too.

Uncivil said...

C
I can't believe I didn't see that now? I'm always looking left to right,and I'm guessing most of the language students you are teaching would normaly read from right to left?
Gosh! I'd never make it as Batman? Gothom would be doomed!

Jeanna

I can't understand why, but most of my blogger buddies are bleed'n heart liberals?
I stand out like a set of "Trucknutz" on a moped!

All hail Mary Matalin!

Politician = cockroach! They are just alike! The less people you have the less politicians and cockroaches you have. They both live of of other people's left overs.

Granny style? Would that be with dentures or without?

Hmmmmmm...Grandpa style....with viagra or without? You know grandpa, he's always stiff in all the wrong places!

I can't believe you guys still have drive-in theaters? And I thought we were still backwoods?

Our last drive-in was an x-rated theater! I guess online porn put it out of business?

You knew "granny style" was gonna bring out my deviant side!!!!LOL!!!!

jodi said...

...c'mon, cherry cordials? I love'em. Dark chocolate Queen Anne, too sweet for words, and sticky as all hell.

*sigh* I love Christmas. (even better, I love the day after Christmas when cordial cherries go on sale. :)

Jeanna said...

Without dentures, baby cakes.
You crack me up.
Outdoor, porn? C'mon!

Jeanna said...

Hey Jodi, it was the peppermint part which caught my eye. You know, I'm beginning to picture your chocolate drawer spilling out onto a pile of manuscripts.

Ms. Mamma said...

Now that's entertainment! Gawd...granny style! Thanks for the ho ho's the ha ha's and the hee hee's...

Jeanna said...

Hey M.M., considering what I knew about my great granny, I could only dream to do it granny style, or great granny style. Let's just say she went out with a bang.