Killing Me Softly

And now for something completely different: photos from the source instead of uploaded from a throw-away-camera swiped from the kids table at Chuck E. Cheese.
I was surprised to hear from Kohler, a Wisconsin company famous for quality sinks and fixtures. It turns out they built a chocolate empire on the back of a turtle

which they call a terrapin. Good thing they didn't send me a box of those.
Or these

or I would surely be dead.

As it is, grazing on a ten-piece box of their hand painted Garden Ganache chocolates pushed the limits of decency.
Good thing I was watching John Adams and wanted to see how it all turned out, those crazy wig heads. I get most of my American history from The Simpsons, so this was almost like I opened a book God forbid.
I like candy with a catchy title, but rich, fancy chocolates with weird fillings are not my thing. I, like my grandmother before me, want my Earl Grey in a mug full of scalding hot water with honey and milk. And I want my passion fruit...I don't really want my passion fruit, isn't that a flower?

The Pear chocolate from the Garden of Ganache was rather all right; I'd give it a 3.5 out of 5, with 5 being a Snickers dunked in hot chocolate on a sunny cold afternoon in the Vilas ice rink shelter.
I could live without the Earl Grey, Chai Tea, and Macadamia, and thought the Asian Spice would be enough as a seasonal treat. The Passion Fruit grew on me with every bite, somehow reminding me of my mother's cheesecake.
I almost passed out when I bit into their Crème Fraîche, adored the Coconut, was giddy from the Hazelnut Coffee, and wouldn't kick the Raspberry out of bed for melting on my good sheets.
Okay, I would, but it's unlikely because the chocolate shell is constructed like a Hummer. The car, I mean the car.
Sit down for this—which is all you'll be able to do besides gurgle and blow spit bubbles if you eat more than one or two a day—peering over glasses...150 Calories and 10g of Fat for one, yes one piece of chocolate.

What do you expect when "heavy cream" is the first ingredient listed?
If you're interested, the six-piece box has all the best flavors, Crème Fraîche, Coconut, Hazelnut Coffee, Raspberry, plus Pear and Passion Fruit.
Excuse me while I run around the block six times—ooh, they're showing clips from something called Mad City Chickens, now I'm hungry for KFC. Sometimes quality is wasted on me.

Photos Copyright © Kohler Co. Used by permission