Pigging Out On Candy Canes

Normally I'd shop for my criminally insane bacon products somewhere like stupid.com, so I was thrilled to look no further than the Urban Outfitters on lower State for these.

I also got a little blue tree which goes well with my favorite Christmas theme of late, If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them or A Tacky Little Christmas. Putting a hook through raw bacon might be more in line with the latter, but these will do pig, these will do.

After the horror of tasting holiday bacon hard candy, I think they're best treated as decorations or possibly a seasonal threat for profane children. As I'm sitting here with one stuck in my mouth like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, I find the trick is not to swallow.

How funny is it that Accoutrements Hanukkah Candy Canes (peppermint) are next to the Bacon canes on one page and a Moses action figure on another?

A Fistful of GrapeVines

Coke or Pepsi, Twizzlers or Red Vines, I like all four, but now I love GrapeVines more.

You can almost taste the smell of grape. No, I'm not tripping, there's a distinct grape flavor that breaks through the five senses creating the sense of smell-taste, "smaste" as it were. Your Grape Jolly Rancher, Sun-Rise Grape Soda, and other fine grape pops have it (Grape Juicy Twists do not).

GrapeVines Purple Grape Twists have that honest, earnest retro grape flavor that works fresh or stale—I love a candy that, like fine wine and Peeps, gets better with age.

GrapeVines seem lighter and more addictive than RedVines, with a pleasant aftertaste minus the artificial flavor that makes you want to wash your mouth out with Dove. The candy, not the soap.

The American Licorice Company's Timeline has the Purple Grape Twists making an appearance in 2002, but I just found and tried my first "tray." I see reference to other Fruit Vines such as Orange (tempting), Green Watermelon, and Blue Raspberry (not). I don't, however, see where to buy them online, at least not on the first page of search results so I'm out. And since I can't remember where I got these, I'm making a mental note to start making mental notes where I get candy.

Mental Note: Invent edible mental notes.

Cinnabon Candy Canes

Cinnabon. The name evokes sweet dripping sin and an aroma that make angels (on a diet) cry. That's all the label of 12 canes says,  "CINNABON," and that's all it needs to say.

The candy canes, with their orange and brown stripes painted on butter cream white, are just in time for Thanksgiving. They would have been nice for your Halloween tree, yes, that's a thing, but I didn't notice them until they cleared out the Halloween stuff and jammed the aisles with Christmas decorations. 

The first bite might not be as tantric as biting into a hot, gooey bun dripping with frosting on a bed of warm dough and cinnamon, but it's pretty, pretty, pretty good. 

The essence of morning bun smacks your tongue with the unmistakable mark of Cinnabon and lingers there with a tantalizing combination of cinnamon and sugar. I got these at Walgreens, and see a few places that carry them online. Cinnabon candy canes are made by Spangler, best known for their classic peppermint candy canes, so I imagine they'll be in wide release.

Poppin' Cane: Candy Cane Tootsie Pop Drops

The idea of minting up a Tootsie Pop Drop seemed repugnant on a sunny autumn day. Then I sampled as I photographed, as is my custom, and am currently working my way through the 3.5 oz box. 

Too much drop, not enough Tootsie was my first thought, now I'm just worried I'll run out. The center of the Candy Cane Tootsie Pop Drop is about the size of chewed Chiclets, so although not big enough, delicious just the same. The one broken peppermint drop I found seemed to benefit from the break more than a fractured orange or grape or cherry Pop Drop.

Instead of sweet and salty or sweet and sour, Candy Cane Tootsie Pop Drops are sweet and minty and hard and chewy. The peppermint is a good, hearty flavored drop which could rival any cane and begs the question, wouldn't a Tootsie Roll Pop Candy Cane be cool.

The box is a little busy, but the silver pouch is a great color choice, keeps the candy fresh, and opens easier than any packet of candy I've ever torn into. It's a good choice for movie sized—easy to open in the dark, not too noisy, easy to sneak in and would sell well at the counter. I bet they'd go over great in a candy dish and the weather might help prevent hard candy stick.

It might be a little early to sample Christmas candy and crack open filbert nuts with meat mallets, but build it (point of purchase displays and candy aisles) and they'll succumb. 

Halloween Leftovers

Out of ideas for leftover Halloween candy, might I suggest a maggot and tomato sandwich. Except for the gelatin, the It's Alive Creepy Crawly Sandwich with Marshmallow & Gummy Candy is vegan. So I guess it's not then.

It's a 4.9 oz grotesque gummy marshmallow sandwich made in China and distributed by Riviera Brands. The stomach churning behemoth comes in a half sandwich shaped plastic container, then another plastic wrapper which goes a long way to explain its outstanding taste, plastic. The wrappers are helpful because granulated sugar falls off the candy bread as soon as you open it.

The smell is not pleasant, like something approaching black licorice marinated in Vick's Formula 44.

It's hefty. The marshmallow sandwich has the opposite of an aftertaste, it has a foretaste. Before you taste it, you know you shouldn't be eating it.

A dignified nibble—who am I kidding—treats you to a mouth full of something as organic as a Lady Gaga lettuce dress. It's far worse if you also get a bite of gummy whatever. The sickening smell comes more from the gummy fixin's than the thick marshmallow slices. There's a combination of plastic, perfume, and possibly rubber flavoring at play. The pickle, lettuce piece might have been green apple and a peck at the worm maggot wasn't as indigestible as the rest.

Better used as a threat, weapon, or a prop, you'd be better off with real maggots and spiders and hard pressed to tell the difference. Was that last part too much?