Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Burn Down The Mission

I can't say why the candy filled Jesus egg from Bee International makes me laugh, but it does, more so than milk chocolate prayer hands, or Walking With Jesus gummy flip flops. When I found the edible pastel crosses inside I was in stitches.

Jesus Egg candy crossesMaybe it's like laughing in church even if it means you're going straight to hell with A-rod and Madonna. Most likely it has something to do with our second grade Bible, a horror show so graphic it would make Tarantino cringe.
I wonder if our teacher, an old-school penguin with steel knuckles and a knee length key chain laden with the scalps of second graders, would find the Jesus egg inspiring or offensive.
This is the nun who threw chalk and candy at us in tandem, making solving problems on the blackboard both delicious and confusing. She locked Miguel Marx in the trap door near the flag in the corner and told stories about errant altar boys and sacks of bloody hosts. She was like Stephen King with pronounced chin hair.

Jesus EggWould Jesus find Christian candy funny, or would he burn down the mission. I guess you can't go through that kind of shit without a sense of humor, but I've been afraid to eat the candy crosses until tonight, thinking how annoying an eternity with Madonna would be.
Some of the crosses are too hard and threaten to chip your teeth. They're too sweet, with a tart and sometimes "off" after taste (which in all fairness could have come from any number of places). Maybe they really all taste the same, but you know how colors can trick you.

Candy crossesThere is a difference in texture from color to color and I think the blue tastes like berry.
There was a small cellophane wrapper on the outside of the egg saying it's distributed by Bee International, whose Web site will not come up. It also says "Recommended for Children 3 Years and Older."
No. Just, no. The crosses are tiny little choking hazards I wouldn't trust with well insured adult teeth.
I did find this gem which talks about Bee Inc.'s failure to comply with a small parts regulation in regards to other candy filled products.

Inspiration Easter doveIf you must have a Jesus egg (or the one I found next to it with a flame shooting out of a dove's head), dump out the killer crosses and fill them with jelly beans.


  1. Hell, Jesus Christ... I was lookin' at the pictures first and thought that little fella on the easter egg was Yosemite Sam?

  2. It almost looks like something out of South Park.

  3. Somehow it doesn't seem right. I bet Christians are banning them ASAP. That Jesus looks like a South Park character.

  4. Creepy. I thought the same thing about South Park. Why not chocolate hands with holes filled with a gelatinous red goo? Neat-o!

  5. One might think so Lisa, but there are so many "inspirational" candies out there I have to wonder.

  6. Bet something like that is out there, H. And I have to wonder about the Jesus gummy flip-flops with surfer theme. My nephews think it's pretty funny too. Maybe it's something to do with 12 years of Catholic school.


    I can understand the idea behind getting kids jazzed about Jesus (especially during Easter since this is like the second candy holiday, Halloween being the first), but I think even God in Heaven is shaking his head at these ideas. It's ridiculously funny. I'm sure God wouldn't approve. Not that I KNOW him, but. You know?

  8. I dunno, Unhingey--maybe God is behind the Jesus eggs (which do look like South Park, and I want some just because of that. My kids would love them) Maybe...God has a horrible sense of humor and thinks they're hilariously funny. But, a dove? With flames shooting out. I've got to have them.

    In fact, tomorrow I'm going down to the Christian supply store (conveniently located less than a mile away) and check them out, maybe send my dad a card and a couple of intact eggs. :)

  9. Dunno, A., something tells me Jesus is taking his own name in vain. Or maybe he thinks it's funny.
    I was intrigued by the little cross mints in the Bible tin from Oriental Trading.
    Why do I keep thinking of Paper Moon?

  10. Dang, Jodi, just sent your package out tonight and here the flaming dove and Jesus egg sit next to the computer. Maybe I'll think of something special to fill them with and give them to the boys on Sunday.
    Oh, I noticed some notice about ounces just as I dropped your package in the mail and my brain blanked because it was math. Let me know if your M&M's get there. Something tells me they're coming back this way first.

  11. Ha, you nailed it with "Southpark"! Yosemite Sam needs to do a guest appearance on Southpark!!!!

  12. Why not, Jesus has been on several times.
    What are your plans for Easter YoJim?

  13. Those dang Christians have to take over everything. Sheesh.

  14. What a great find. Would candy crosses both repel and attract vampires? You've gotta wonder...

  15. My plans for Easter? It will involve eating and drinking and lot's of dog walks for sure!
    I'm in the process of trying to get a dinner date with a gal on Plenty of Fish dot com, that I have been chatting with for months. She's only about 12 years my junior!!!LOL!!! That should be interesting?
    My chocolate of choice this week has been Kit Kats! I've been gorging on them.

    What are you doin' this weekend? Why don't you jump in that new cherry red RAV4 of yours and come see me? Candy little girl???LOL!!!!

  16. Random T., I can't help but laugh every time I see your icon. Fun flick. What do you wanna bet they ain't Christian?

  17. Hmmm, good question, P. I think a real vamp would eat a few people then pick their teeth with the crosses.

  18. I've thought about it, YoJim, but Cha Cha tells me to stay home and do my taxes.
    Just got back from picking up the boy in MN, so Cha Cha has gotten her "walk" this week.
    We're going to some German place downtown, you might like it, plenty of beer.
    Good luck with the fish...are you going out for fish, so to speak?
    You mean the Kit Kat Bunny Ears? I just ate a pecan puddle meant for my mother, then a small bag o jelly beans. This is far worse than Halloween.
    Twelve years your Jr., that makes her in her forties, lol. Maybe you should quick learn to text and wear your pants around your ass.
    Kisses to the girls.

  19. this is too good to not be true


No Spam Zone