Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Emergency Chocolate

Emergency ChocolateWarning: After a recent near death experience—the most serious threat was the ER staff interrupting me as I tried to watch the playoffs—this is even less a comprehensive candy review than usual. Maybe that's why the TVs are so high, so in case something goes terribly wrong you can watch the Cowboys lose one last time as you rise to your maker. I'm assuming rise. Am I assuming too much? My dead Irish grandmother, btw, would have smacked T.O. upside the head for blubbering on national TV like that. Am I being too harsh?
Shaky Transition
So for Christmas I wrapped up three bars of Bloomsberry & Co. chocolate. My sister the nurse got the Emergency Chocolate (she's been on this "Do. Not. Bring. Any. More. Sweets. Into. This. House." kick), so it seemed fitting. It's an Emergency, enjoy. Guido, the nephew in high school, got a bar of Instant Gratification, and my mother, the candyholic forever trying to cheat death by eating cereals that should come baled, got a 3.5 ounce bar of 100% Guilt Free Chocolate.
Other popular Bloomsberry titles include Eat Me, BoChox, and the undoubtedly popular Oral Pleasure (34% cocoa). Oral Pleasure says it's "For internal and external and internal and external use." Eewww. Bloomsberry & Co. is from New Zealand, where I guess they need a sense of humor.

My Trip To The ER
Convinced tainted cherries and a junk food jamboree were responsible for an Alien level belly ache, I toughed it out for two hours Sunday morning before slipping on my Crocs, making sure I had on clean underwear, and driving to my favorite ER. (This hospital serves Babcock ice cream and bakes the blueberries right into their pancakes.)
You could drop dead in triage, where they were more concerned about the parking lot than the doubled up rag that could barely lift her head to watch the Chargers at Colts in the waiting room. But once those sliding doors admitted you into the ER, it went from Kansas to Oz. The cable reception was good, the remote was within reach, and the drugs came quickly and often. I was optimistic despite being offered opiates like a tray of potato knishes. Or maybe because I was being offered opiates like a tray of potato knishes.
No one seemed too interested in my wax baggie of tainted cherries. They made me drink a pitcher of "contrast" and put me in this humming ring that reminded me of the Stargate bred with a copy machine.
I got laughs when I asked "Could I get meds-to-go so I can watch the last game at home?" I was being serious. Just before I went into surgery to get my appendix out I asked, "Are you sure it's not just a little gas?" Still not kidding.
It wasn't gas, and now I have an unreasonable fear of fresh fruit.
This counts as Day 11.


  1. I didn't even get a chance to send you a get well card!
    The things one will do for opiates?
    I wonder if there is a such thing as a belated "get well soon" card?
    I guess iit would be like the "Got Milk" slogan?
    "Got Well"?

    I really do hope you're feelin better shug! Redneck huggs!!!!

  2. OMG!!! Are you okay??? I had a near death experience two days ago too.

    I just hope you're okay. BTW, your writing always has me rolling on the floor with laughter. Your witty remarks and subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) sarcasm always have me laughing so hard. It felt kind of wrong to be laughing while reading this post. On one hand, there was concern for your health and on the other, there was laughter at the being interrupted by the ER staff while you tried to watch the playoffs...oh, and the rising to meet your maker! LOL! You are such a hoot! "Could I get meds-to-go so I can watch the last game at home?" LOL!

  3. Damn that drug seeking behavior. I've seen too many episodes of House. I felt better after the first shot, Jamebo, thanks, hon.

  4. Hey Chrissy, what happened to you? You can't just say that and end your post with LOL. I guess I need to get my red belly over to your blog.
    I really was asking for a little something in a white paper bag to go when one of the nurses said: "I don't think you're going anywhere tonight."
    Even the doctor said, "We're going to schedule you for surgery in a few hours. Unless you have an objection?"

  5. OMG! I hope you're okay now! Are you okay???? Oh, as for me...some jerk-off ran me off the highway and I ended up in the ditch. The car was almost on its side so I couldn't get out on my own. It was pretty traumatic. The friggen' SOB didn't even look to see if I was alive. He just sped off! The roads were pretty messy and icy and he shouldn't have been driving that fast and taking up both lanes on the highway.

    Anyway, I'm fine...with the exception of neck and back pain! It could have been worse :)

  6. C., I think of the Jimmy Buffet song "Were You Born An Asshole (or did you work at it your whole life") often when I'm driving. He could have killed you. My God, if you were almost on your side...don't want to think about it. Of course he didn't stop. Asshole.
    Better check out your neck and back. How did you get out of the ditch? Bet he was impaired.

  7. Hey, Jeanna!
    Hubby, my cousin, my cousin's girlfriend, my dad and my uncle came on the scene about 30 mins after the accident. The tow truck came shortly after they arrived. My cousin got me out of the vehicle and we let the tow truck do all the other work.

    SCARY! I still haven't gotten behind the wheel. Hubby's been driving me everywhere for the past two days. I know I have to get back in the driver's seat soon though. I will. I'm just a bit nervous.

    You're right. The dude was nuckin' futs! I hope he doesn't hurt anyone else!

  8. Did you use your cell? My cousin called from upside down in a car crash. They needed the jaws of life to get her out. Maybe you should program a non-emergency police number in there to report jag-offs who drive like that. I hate to think of someone getting away with inflicting that kind of damage.
    Have you gone to the doctor yet?

  9. Hey!
    Yes, I did use my cell. I had two bars left on the battery and as soon as I finished talking to my mom and hubby, my battery died. I keep thinking that "This is one of the reasons I have a cell phone!!!"

    Nah, I haven't gotten my neck and back checked out by the doc yet :( My friends and family have been bugging me to, but to be honest, I'm stubborn as hell and I'm scared of going to the hospital or the doctor's office! I know, it's a really stupid reason to not go. Maybe tomorrow...

    P.S. I've been jones-ing for more candy updates! I'm doing a 7 day liver detox (yes...voluntarily! What am I thinking, right?). What better way to detox than to drool over all the candy and chocolate on your blog!?! ;)


  10. Hey C., every time I walk out the door it seems I go under the knife. Got a nice little slice o' back out yesterday and it hurts to sit at a computer. Was going to do something on Packer pretzel balls, but the less said about them the better.
    Good luck on the the detox and get to a doc despite what I said.
    You must have an angel on your shoulder, kiddo. Funny about the cell phone. Will drop by your blog soon. Right now I'm just...blaaaaahhhhhecccc.

  11. Jeanna
    Just checking in on you babe!
    You doin' OK?
    What's this about another "slice o' back"?

    I swear.....you gals will do anything to lose weight? First you get your appendix removed and now they are taking slices out your backside?
    Strangest weight loss program I ever heard of? LOL!!!

    Hope all is well shug!!!!!

  12. I wish they would take my backside with a heaping helping of gut. Just one of them hound dog tumors taken out by a slice happy Dr.
    But...ouch. And then those damn Packers.
    So what is that poor pup spitting out on your blog? Teeth? Damn karate cats.

  13. but *wah* I wanted to read about Packer Pretzel balls...

    I hope you're all right. Slices aren't good unless they're some kind of torte.

  14. Maybe I'll get Clem to do a quickie. Torte, mmm. Yup, got word today it was okay. Just full of holes, but since I'm stocked up on pain pills not too bad.
    How you doin'?

  15. Jeanna...How you doin'?

    I'm bestowing an award upon you. I think you may like this one. #1, it's quite fitting because your blog is one of my "daily doses" and #2, it's a candy theme! Yay!

    Now, I must get some work done! LOL! Ciao, bella!

  16. Now what did you go and do, Chrissy?

  17. I'm better, thank you for asking. Chocolate always helps. And lots of chocolate helps a lot, lol.

  18. Wow...I'm glad you're alright and on the mend, sister. Jeeezoman. Send me your spare opiates, um k?

    Seriously though, you're a talented and hilarious writer. You need to get paid for your blogging. Or syndicated.

  19. Well, MM, I'm out o opiates, but still have some happy pills. So. Very. Happy.
    Ha, yeah, I've been saying I should get paid for cracking myself up since I was 12.
    Hope you get your camera out for the next two days of blizzard. You MUST have a venue to sell your most excellent stuff to the world!

  20. ...I thought you said something about breast reductions...???
    Love your blog - you one vellly funny lady!


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