Saturday, February 07, 2009

Killing Me Softly

And now for something completely different: photos from the source instead of uploaded from a throw-away-camera swiped from the kids table at Chuck E. Cheese.
I was surprised to hear from Kohler, a Wisconsin company famous for quality sinks and fixtures. It turns out they built a chocolate empire on the back of a turtle

Terrapinwhich they call a terrapin. Good thing they didn't send me a box of those.
Or these

Toffee barkor I would surely be dead.

Garden ganacheAs it is, grazing on a ten-piece box of their hand painted Garden Ganache chocolates pushed the limits of decency.
Good thing I was watching John Adams and wanted to see how it all turned out, those crazy wig heads. I get most of my American history from The Simpsons, so this was almost like I opened a book God forbid.
I like candy with a catchy title, but rich, fancy chocolates with weird fillings are not my thing. I, like my grandmother before me, want my Earl Grey in a mug full of scalding hot water with honey and milk. And I want my passion fruit...I don't really want my passion fruit, isn't that a flower?

Pear ganacheThe Pear chocolate from the Garden of Ganache was rather all right; I'd give it a 3.5 out of 5, with 5 being a Snickers dunked in hot chocolate on a sunny cold afternoon in the Vilas ice rink shelter.
I could live without the Earl Grey, Chai Tea, and Macadamia, and thought the Asian Spice would be enough as a seasonal treat. The Passion Fruit grew on me with every bite, somehow reminding me of my mother's cheesecake.
I almost passed out when I bit into their Crème Fraîche, adored the Coconut, was giddy from the Hazelnut Coffee, and wouldn't kick the Raspberry out of bed for melting on my good sheets.
Okay, I would, but it's unlikely because the chocolate shell is constructed like a Hummer. The car, I mean the car.
Sit down for this—which is all you'll be able to do besides gurgle and blow spit bubbles if you eat more than one or two a day—peering over glasses...150 Calories and 10g of Fat for one, yes one piece of chocolate.
What do you expect when "heavy cream" is the first ingredient listed?
If you're interested, the six-piece box has all the best flavors, Crème Fraîche, Coconut, Hazelnut Coffee, Raspberry, plus Pear and Passion Fruit.
Excuse me while I run around the block six times—ooh, they're showing clips from something called Mad City Chickens, now I'm hungry for KFC. Sometimes quality is wasted on me.
Photos Copyright © Kohler Co. Used by permission


  1. Someone gave me a box of fancy chocolate tiles. Much as I love that woman, I couldn't eat the curry flavored, cumin-flavored, thyme flavored and yes--Earl Grey chocolate.

    I tried to eat one, sat there with my mouth closed, not chewing and finally swallowed. Hard.

    You're a brave woman, Jeanna.

    They sure are pretty, though.

  2. Holy snarkey, I wasn't even done editing, you little night owl. New icon, nice. What are you sucking on woman?
    They hold up well to photographing, but as it turns out I decided to use real photos.
    I thought you'd be braver than me, being a true chocolate lover and all. Both Jim and Cybele try all that sort of thing, but give me a box of Jujy Fruits and I'm happy.

  3. It's a rough gig you've got here, lol. (Um, the Darth Vadar song was weird. Just weird. I shuddered.)

    I don't think I'd make a good chocolate critic. For me, nothing beats Hersheys. Those foreign-filled chocolates give me goosebumps. (Yeah, anything but caramel, nuts, or certain types of fruit that is squished into chocolate, is foreign.)

    I love me my milk chocolate Hersheys.

    I want some KFC now.

  4. Hey, UH.
    That's CHAD Vader, day shift manager, woman. Even funnier if you live in town cuz it's filmed at the Willy St. Coop by a local.
    I think we are of one mind, how's the writing coming along? I'm in high speed procrastination mode which means I'm cooking, cleaning, and watching movies ("Swing Vote" right now).

  5. Ha....
    You must have read my comment on J's blog?

    "KFC works for me! I have fond memories of one of my pothead high school friends that worked at the local KFC back in the 70’s.
    I would always pick him up after work and he would bring a bucket of chicken out with him!!! Oh….nothing like the THC induced munchies with KFC!"

    Now I could really work on some of those Kohler Terrapins!!mmmmmmmmh!

  6. Nope, you mean Jelly Jules?
    Great minds and all that I guess. Funny, I was thinking that the chicken in that clip cud kick your girls butts (see comment on Heidi's blog).
    My roommate in college worked at Rocky's Pizza when it first opened in the seventies, and she'd have us call in to make a "dead pizza" so she could bring it home to our starving arses about 1 am.
    Yeah, those sink people sent me the entirely wrong candy.

  7. no, I'm not brave. Things that belong in chili or beef stew shouldn't be anywhere near good chocolate. Even if I am eating the cheap wal-mart peanut butter cups (hypo-allergenic!!) at the rate of two a day right now.

    lol, it's a picture of me at RWA Nationals sucking on a can of blue-AMP. (and now you know my dirty secret. Yes, I use a straw to drink out of cans. :)

  8. I agree completely, when will they stop the madness.
    You're eating that many again?
    I thought that might be something AMP related. I've yet to more than wet my tongue with a Red Bull, and that was at a bar followed by Bloody Marys and a beer to counter act any effect the drop of energy drink could have had.

  9. Those are beautiful candies! So pretty! And they do look rich and creamy, and all fanciful!

    It makes me nervous though that a company known for their bathroom fixture is now dabbling in chocolate.

  10. Hi Lisa, yeah, that's a little weird, isn't it? I bet the turtles are one of the best things they have.

  11. Oh man, I didn't even look at the calories. My huge ass thanks you for pointing that out. That almond brittle looks amazing.

  12. Hi Patti, that's Toffee Bark, wish they would have sent me some of that. Or maybe not.

  13. I think I'd like them, but then again I like that fancy type stuff, maybe that's because I like eating chocolate with my pinkies out though. ;-)

  14. Hey Jessie, I think these are pinkie chocolates. I'm still feeling a little ill from eating them all in a few days.

  15. OMG! Those photos are making my mouth water! BTW, I still haven't sent you that parcel yet :( I totally suck. Well, the good thing about sending you chocolate at this time of the year is that it won't melt! HA! I planned it that way! Yeah, right.

  16. Hey Little Mama, I wouldn't worry about it as I get more than enough candy from people wanting product reviews, and those last chocolates almost killed me.
    My favorite things to get in the mail are checks and greeting cards. In that order.


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