Redneck M&M Dispenser: This Counts As Day 6

You Know You're Blogging With A Redneck When:
•Your computer is up on blocks.
•Someone parked the truck in your carport and you have neither a truck nor a carport.
•The dog has a hankering to go hunting. The dog is a 12-year-old Pomeranian who's never in its life heard the word "hankering" or "hunting."
•There's a gun rack where your poster of 50 Wisconsin Cheeses used to be.
A Word From Clem: We here at the dish do not condone the combination of dogs and chocolate. Or dogs and mason jars, or dogs and shot glasses. We further urge responsible readers to consider Dogs Eating Candy: For Heaven's Sake and Fact vs. Myth: Will Candy Kill My Dog? Please disregard the foolishness perpetrated by my granddaughter and her cousin on her mother's side (an Italian), in the post entitled Chocolate Gift Boxes.
Thank you and Merry Christmas.
A Word From Me: Jimmy's boss's dad (still with me?) is making Redneck M&M Dispensers for Christmas this year. This handsome construction collects M&Ms in a shot glass, normally filled with Jim Beam I suspect, between two critters who probably got lost looking for the front porch (and turned into stone). You're not going to find this gorgeous Rube Goldberg at the Wal-Mart.
See Jimmy's related post at Uncivil.
Photo and idea by Jimmy, who thinks a keyboard is something to hang your truck keys on, as suggested to him by Heidi
Thanks to The Tamster for the redneck jokes

Angel Food

Day 5 Angel Food Candy: Honeycomb center covered with luscious milk or dark chocolate, aka Devil's Food or Fairy Food
Awhile back someone asked about a good Angel Food recipe, and here's my favorite:
Drive to Monroe Street, attempt to find parking behing James J. Chocolate, enter shop, buy Fairy Food, sample said candy on way home. Share, regret, buy more.
I went to a chocolate and wine tasting party sponsored by James J. last year, and they made Fairy Food in a giant copper cauldron for us. Watching the birth of the scalding golden mass was quite cool. Eating more free samples than was polite wasn't bad either. This photo is from one of the many trays of candy they set out for us around the chocolate factory.

Côte d'Or Lait Melk

Days 3 & 4 Côte d'Or Lait~Melk: Two 75g Belgian (Kraft owned) solid milk chocolate bars, 35% cocoa
According to the Côte d'Or website, "Belgians consume more cocoa per capita than any other people on earth." Yeah, well they haven't been to my house.
Thanks to what in retrospect seems like a lapse of judgement, I committed to this Twelve Days of Chocolate business. Did I mention I'm on a diet and now dreaming in chocolate. Actually, it's a jumble of chocolate and the last season of the Sopranos, which I'm just now watching. I was a little surprised by the Christopher move, but then again he was "an idiot all together."
I picked up this elephant stamped chocolat in Boo because of its girth. Turned out to be two bars, but see how big it is?

Each piece is so substantial, it leaves an imprint on the silver foil.
Instead of American wax, you know you're getting quality chocolate in the first bite. Not the first whiff though, which smells sweet and mildly of cocoa, but why are you standing around sniffing chocolate?
Three of the seven two inch long pieces did me in (I said seven two inch long pieces, James). This chocolate is smooth, thick, soft, slippery, silky, buttery, smlkuttery, all of that.
Jodi down by Will Work For Noodles misses the filled Côte d'Ors, some of which may or may not be available on this site. Why not try Milk Chocolate with hazelnuts, 33%, with raisins and hazelnuts, 33%, Noir Orange, 69%, or Dark Chocolate with Raspberry, 70 %.
Although I sensed the slightest of aftertastes, Côte d'Or Lait Melk easily makes it on the short What Chocolate Should Taste Like list. Now let's see if Tony's gabagool turns into a hunk of chocolate. Zzzzzz...

Where's Carl Spackler When You Need Him?

Day 2 Cadbury Picnic: Cadbury milk chocolate, caramel, crispy cereal, peanuts, and raisins
The first thing I tasted when I bit into this candy casserole was the wrapper. It's unfair to judge a candy by its wrapper, but this candybar tasted as if it had been sitting around since the Thatcher administration. I noticed the original price was slashed by a buck fi'ty which clues you in to the fact that it was over priced and old [insert joke].
These things happen when you pick up mass produced candy, especially imported, although I expected more from Cadbury, salmonella and all.
This level of barely (notice I said "barely") edible staleness has never been a problem with Cadbury Turkish Delight or even Flake, and someone once schlepped the most decrepitly flaked Flake (what is going on in that ad) across the pond for me.
After you unwrap the thing and let it breath in the fresh Wisconsin air, you'll find a Watchamacallit with raisins. There are too many tastes here (including purple wrapper) that don't blend with the ease of a Chunky ("The thickest nickel chocolate bar in the USA"). And it looks like something you'd find at the bottom of the Caddyshack pool.
I spoke too soon, this is a step back from the Elysia's Orange, although I was right about things getting more expensive.

The Twelve Days Of Chocolate

Day 1 Gefüllte Milchschokolade: Elysia German milk chocolate with orange filling and a little alcohol
So, Ralph Pierce of the Boo Pierces stuffs this 3.5 ounce bar in my already bursting candy sack. Does that sound as obscene (and confusing) as I think it does? He likes this chocolate bar because it's a decent candy for two bucks, which, if you like to buy imported chocolate, is a bit of a deal.
I will say that one row of this sinister candy sent my recently perfect blood sugar level one point over good at a poorly timed check up. So that should count for something.
The orange filling smacks you in the taste buds and is almost overwhelming. I didn't have a clue it was one of the fruit liqueur filled Elysia chocolates until by the process of elimination, I figured out who makes it. I think. Hey, whaddya tink dis is, Milwaukee, I can barely say "Are you from the Apple Store?" in Spanish.
The orange filling is nicely tart, the chocolate is a little too sweet and not what I think milk chocolate should taste like—in other words, a little cheap and waxy, you know, like American chocolate.
Elysia Milkchocolate With Orange Flavoured Filling is okay; perfect as a gift for those who don't appreciate good candy. Ahem, you know who you are. Maybe you don't, but you wouldn't be reading this anyway so the hell with you.
Dis German bar yah hey is a good price, imported, whaddya want?
A good choice for Day 1, it can only get better. And more expensive.

Chuck Norris PEZ

Hey thare Jimmy. I know, I know, Chuck Norris doesn't dispense candy, he dispenses pain. But did you know...
˚That as a kid Chuck Norris dressed up as himself to go trick-or-treating.
He came back with a sack of candy, miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more candy.
˚If Chuck Norris' pancreas stopped working, he'd tell it to get a job.
˚What is Chuck Norris' favorite candy? Jawbreakers. Favorite licorice? Sour Punch Straws. Favorite Chocolate? Nestle's CRUNCH.
This photo was posted by Stella on blogcadre.com

Speaking Of PEZ

Chrissy from Random Thoughts got me thinking. About what? About PEZ dispensers. (I took these photos at Deb's.)
Have you noticed how much the Princess Leia dispenser looks like Joan Crawford (see last photo). No wire PEZ!
I love the glow in the dark PEZ you see around Halloween, like the Green Goblin and such. And they might be my favorite emergency candy. (Am I beginning to sound like Andy Rooney?)
PEZ has gotten a bad rap because of sneaky teens like the young JR Chandler on All My Children loading them up with recreational drugs. Most people put PEZ in their PEZ dispensers. We're not all Neely O'Hara you know. ("She took the red pills.") What a cast, Patty Duke, Susan Hayward ("She took the yellow pills."), Sharon Tate, and Barbara Parkins as Anne. I know what my next video rental is going to be.Wonder if they have Valley of the Dolls dispensers? This old PEZ FAQ doesn't mention them. They do mention that the Spock, Michael Jackson, and Hitler dispensers are fake. Damn.

I'm Fine Here, Thanks

Is it cold enough for your @$*?
You know it's cold when snowmen are coming inside to warm up. I counted more snowmobiles than cars on the road last night. But hey, it's up to 18 degrees today, so maybe the tires won't freeze. It's no-bottles-or-pop-cans-in-the-cup-holder weather. I heard someone on the radio say the fog froze. Is that meteorologically possible? Is that even a word?
Still, things were merry on Boo Square. Gem City was bustling; Gløgg was sampled, candy was bagged. I left with a sack heavier than a small frasier fur.

Where to start? Chocolate bandaids? Candy Scabs? Taffy Tongues? Vertigo Pops? Wonder what Scharffenberger hot chocolate tastes like through a Sip-n-Chew?

Sugar Buzz: Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints

Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints are the only candy I've been craving lately, and Hosanna Heysanna, there they were, in a Copp's Christmas display looking all cheery and "eat me." Ever since I got a load of Cybele's flickr photo, I knew I had to have them. And I'm not a mint, Junior or otherwise, type person.
My best friend growing up loved them, and because she also loved Boston Baked Beans, sardines and ketchup, chewing tinfoil, and doing something horrible with baking soda (filed away in my repressed memories), I wasn't a fan of the Junior Mint. Although it is one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes.
Maybe it's this bothersome eating less junk food business, but I was all over these like a Bumpus hound on a Christmas turkey.

They're refreshing and crunchy in a slightly weird way. Kind of like eating a mouthful of candy with a mouthful of bubblegum. The chocolate is way too sweet, but has a nice consistency and compliments both the mint and the "crunchy bits."
The candy itself is a bit homely, but who's looking at it. I wouldn't suggest peeking into the cavernous half empty box either (or is it half full, those miserly bastards). Just eat them, share with friends. I'll refrain from telling you how much sugar is in this sugar, but about 15 pieces should more than do you. Yikes, 170 calories in 15 mishapen pieces. Wish I hadn't read that. Must find new place to hide candy.

Miller Lite Mints

I'm not sure how I missed these, but smack dab next to the Extra Cooling Hot Flash Mints at Gem City were a display of real gems, Miller Lite mints. They must be for "the stupid people." I think my neighbors keep a can in the front seat in case they're pulled over.
Speaking of which, I almost gave my computer to a complete stranger last night whilst running around in a minor blizzard.
What started out as a "can do" attitude gone awry, ended up with me handing off The Beast to who I can only guess was a well intentioned (non-English speaking) stranger. Not an Apple Store Mac Genius as I assumed (I was waiting at the wrong loading dock), but some poor schnook from the food court locked out of Quiznos with an orange handcart.
Cut to Sex and the City voice over:
"Are we too dependent on the computers in our lives? Have we unilaterally become a nation of binary bitches? I learned a lot about myself that night. That braking on ice never works out the way you want. That my high school Spanish continues to fail me. That they don't give illegal aliens keys."
Think I'll have a can of mints and go for a spin.

Sugar Buzz: Win Chocolate

Sugar Buzz Red Alert: The sweet toothed Brits over at Chocablog are giving away Cadbury Dairy Milk bars. Fill out an online form to get Chocablog delivered to your inbox (sounds dirty, doesn't it) and tell them why you and you alone must have the ambrosial chocolate. They also say something about 1Kg equalling four 250g bars, but "it's all pounds, shillings, and pence to me."
I do know that although the picture below is not a Dairy Milk bar, they are quite yummy, and the kind they're giving away probably don't grow on convenience store trees.


In other Sugar Buzz news, Cybele's flickr photos are not only a great example of what food photos should look like, but damn y'all, she brought out the Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints. I haven't seen them in the stores yet, have you? She's also got a unique and informative candyblog entry on licorice―think I'll have a piece of Kookaburra in a mo'―and be still my beating heart (no, not really, waiting for that next lipid panel), she's introduced us to Sour Jujyfruits.
Now when I can't decide whether to sneak Sour Patch Kids, Dots, or Jujyfruits into the movie and the usher (no, not the Usher) looks like one of the children from Village of the Damned as did that creepy little bastard at American Gangster, I can condense my boxed contraband to Sour Jujyfruits.

Gingerbread House Revisited

This priced to move gingerbread house seems to be the most popular photo in my new flickr candy set (photos added daily), so thought I'd put it up as an inspiration to all those holiday baking over achievers out there. I took the photo at of one of my favorite shops called the Candy Corner in Wisconsin Dells last year. I've yet to see their new Carnival Cravings room or check out the popcorn they started making after Kernel Popcorn's folded. Things aren't the same on Broadway since those water park mega hotels started springing up. May they spring a leak.
The Candy Corner is at the end of all the shops on the main Dells drag under the Glockenspiel in the Bavarian Village. So have a boot and drop by if you're in the neighborhood.
This gingey house may have won some kind of award. Or maybe it was the one next to it. Or maybe I dreamt it. I don't know, it's late.

Flickr Sweet Tooth

Yes, I finally decided to start putting candy photos up on flickr. It will be a slow, but steady process. Don't blame me if you find yourself dealing with a licorice Jones in the middle of the night. It's a great test of will power (of which I obviously have none).
Mmmmm, sugar.

Sugar Coated Teeth

There's a sticky assault on the world of confection in the form of pump spray candy. Even those deserters (no, not desserters) at the Onion noticed the influx of candy sprays at the 2007 All Candy Expo. I don't agree with them that kids are too lazy to chew their own candy. Yet. But it's a new toy, you know, like a cell phone. And because it's a toy whose plastic parts are made in China, there are caveats such as even if you manage to open one: DON'T DRINK IT. Chris.It's one of those Urban Legends that turn out to be true. Some kid cracked open a Big Mouth Sour Spray and ended up in the ER, and not the Mekhi Phifer ER where you can watch Abby fall off the wagon and find out what's up with Stanley Tucci's whacked out son.
Interestingly enough, the "avoid spraying in eyes" warning turned out to be less asinine than I thought. Kids―you have to wonder how they make it through the day. (I went home with a fine layer of candy flavors on my face and arms.)
TESTED: Mike & Ikes's Cherry, Green Apple, Wild Berry, and the spaz-inducing Grape Warhead Super Sour candy sprays.
MISSING: Hot Tamale which I just found out exists.
SIDE BETS: Could Bug and Bobby D. "withstand the grape?" (Yes, yes they could.) Would Roscoe develop another phobia while learning the concept of tag team wrestling? You be the judge.
TIP: (From Bobby) "You've got to spray it on your tongue, you can't just spray it down your throat."

THE RESULTS: Bobby took 23 direct hits from the Grape Warheads Super Sour Spray and Chris withstood 20. Bobby favored the Wild Berry, and Bug, ever the voice of dissent, claimed to like the evil grape. No sour sprays for me, ever again.
Phil, who initially liked the Wild Berry even though they made his eyes water, switched his vote to Cherry, and prefers the traditional Mike & Ike solid candy. Old dogs and such.The boys liked the sprays and I've grown fond of them since last week. They easily fit in your pocket or purse and smell less suspicious than breath spray. Not sure about the idea of a spray for your water as a Half Baked blogger suggests. Maybe.
There's no nutrition information on that label, Phil, for that you have to write the distributor, Impact Confections.

In Honor of Cookie Week

In honor of National Cookie Week (beginning in two days), here's a photo I wish Carol from Perth (that's Australia you cheds) could Willy Wonka me from her kitchen down under. This scrumptious specimen was made and photographed by Carol on her blog Oh For The Love Of Food!
I ran across the baker as I was doing what I do best, kvetching, in this case about a blog spammer to a few foodies. Is there a name for that? Spogger? Blammer?
But I mean look at this cookie! Yousa. I love macaroons, reminds me of the old man and a crunchy childhood.
Carol made them from a Veronica's Test Kitchen recipe―there are a LOT of talented bakers online. Their stuff is more like art than the dog food I burn in a cheap oven. Which reminds me, did anyone see Glen Close eating dog biscuits on a rerun of Conan? Hilarious. From personal experience I say avoid the doggie breath mints.

In The Dish: Sour Grapes

Okay, so Nitronea Nanci has been telling me about sugar and acids you can spray directly on your teeth.
Candy sprays, according to someone at Walgreens (says Nanci) "take up less shelf space," so they like them. The 4 inch pump sprays don't exactly jump out at you, but apparently the kids like them as much as Walgreens.
Easy to hide during class and assemblies (take note kids) and can be sprayed on your hand for a lick later. Your dog will like that, well, maybe not judging from Roscoe's reaction (he smacked his lips like he was eating peanut butter and finally licked it off on the other dog).Stay tuned for an upcoming Dish Panel Review to see what delicious flavor (if you can't tell by the color and title) these lads are testing to elicit such sour expressions. Can you guess who said it was their "favorite" flavor?

National Cookie Week

This is from last Thanksgiving's "vegetable" table. A chocolate cornucopia filled with more homemade chocolate from James J., decorated cookies from Scotts, and the mandatory vegie platter barely visable in the background.
I pulled out this photo because The Candy Dish got mail claiming that National Cookie Week is November 18-24. Another way for the company to hawk their wares, or seven more reasons to eat cookies?
I couldn't find anything backing up that claim, but here are a few other days, weeks, and months of interest:
National Candy Month (June), Bubble Gum Day, National Licorice Day, National Waffle Week, National Bundt Day, National Frozen Food Month (really?), National Fig Week, National Soul Food Month, National Fresh Breath Day, Solo Diners Eat Out Week, National Flossing Day, and why not, Diet Resolution Week.
They're all from the same calendar and sound more like one of those creative writing projects we got in high school: Write a short story in the first person using all of the above events. Actually, the person who writes the winning short story (or run on sentence) with all of the events from above will win a wonderful sugar item from an area shop.
Back to National Cookie Week...Here's a site that says October is National Cookie Month. The Topeka Capital-Journal agrees. So does the Food History Calendar. What do you think?
Note: That orange, yellow, and green frosting on top of the chocolate frosted turkeys are its feathers. The photo doesn't do them justice.

Ear, Ear, What's All This Then?

This Gummy Body Parts Comment just arrived in the dish:
"My daugther got the teeth and the ear for halloween, But the ear, when turned upside down, looks like female parts. I don't thing these things should be sold to give out to kids at all."
--Conserned Parent
I don't remember the bag of body parts I found at Walgreens being nearly that interesting if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge. Damn, not an ear kooch in sight. Plenty of severed feet though. Maybe the kids around here are already familiar with that body part. Life on the farm and all.
What do you think? Halloween fun or time for "The Talk?"
Thanks to Josh McCormick for use of his flickr photo!

Toffee Caramel Hot Chocolate Mix

Burning your tongue on a large mug of Toffee Caramel Hot Chocolate is a great way to wind down the Halloween season while watching Carrie and remembering how you screamed the first time you saw that Oscar winning hand grab Amy Irving.
This way-too-sweet drink comes from Pelican Bay LTD courtesy of the World Market, now in Middleton's Greenway Station—is it a shopping center, is it a railroad station?
The mix is wrapped up as an ice cream cone (full of dark and white chocolate, marshmallows, milk powder, nuts, and toffee). They call it a "snow cone," I call it compensation for not being able to trick or treat without snide remarks.
One thing you may not remember from year to year is that the marshmallows and whatever other sugary bits of excess you want to toss in your Wizard of Oz cocoa mug should be consumed as a solid. It's a texture thing. You get to make more of a gooey mess that way, it tastes so very much better, and becomes almost unbearably sweet if you let it blend into a tepid brown liquid. And like the Wicked Witch, hot cocoa topping melts quickly, especially when slurped near a fireplace or castle torch.
As much as I like the idea of a piping hot chocolate sundae with nuts in a mug, there's no beating this Candy Lover's Hot Chocolate recipe from Scharffen Berger.

Happy Halloween

This was going to be about a Halloween packet of hot chocolate I found at the World Market. Then it hit about 70 degrees, yes, the end of October, in Wisconsin, 70 degrees. Talk about frightening.
So I ended up watching my cousin's flag football team in Pine Bluff and came across these delightful items mounted on the wall behind the bar at the Red Mouse (formerly Kit's Korner)—where the bartenders couldn't be nicer. What says Halloween in Wisconsin like masked deer mounted on a sports bar wall?

From The Mailbag: Gollum Boy

Answers to Questions From The Mailbag:
• I meant the kid to the upper left in the photo, he was sitting on the ledge near the exit for outdoor seating at State Street Brats. Busing tables, pretty spry, and quite polite.
Let's hear it for the Minneapolis SWAT team. Way to loosen up with bottles of Corona, boys. At least you weren't drinking Corona Light. (The cute cop on the left reminds me of my godson.) Here's what the real MPD look like.
Unfortunately my Reno 911 and Hot Fuzz photos didn't turn out.
• I don't know if I will be going out for Halloween this week to take more photos. I'm sure there'll be something going on, but nothing like the night before and day of Freakfest.
• My favs were The Cat Lady from The Simpsons and the incredibley odd Tree Gnomes. Oh, and the Dick In The Boxes.
All my photos from The Night Before Freakfest are up now.

Buzz Buzz

Maybe this isn't a Sugar Buzz, but it's some kind of buzz: Freakfest 2007 unofficially began on State Street last night with the stadium lights blazing (the better to take pictures with) and the Orwellian disembodied voice both welcoming and warning us in the same creepy breath. We glued ourselves to the barstools outside State Street Brats until about 40 minutes after my camera battery died. Oh the pictures I could have taken! We'll see if I can make it to the insanity of the actual event tonight.
A shout out to the bartenders, brat guys, and even the spritely bus boy perched Gollum-like on a ledge near the side door at State Street Brats. It was yummy blue green instead of blood red shots this year, and even yummier bartenders named after the shots they served. Think Surfer On Acid.

I suppose it helped that this is Homecoming weekend (we're playing Indiana rather than one of the local high schools like last week—the score was 27-3 in the middle of the 4th when I posted this). Because I promised perfect strangers I would, here is a link to my flickr Halloween on State Street 2007 photos. I'll be adding more over the next few days.

Gummy Body Parts

Unwrapping a gummy body part is like unwrapping cheap air freshener in a dorm room. There's too much packaging and it reeks. Not unlike dirty underwear in a garbage bag (or body parts in a body bag), Gummy Body Parts are best left wrapped in plastic. Instead of a rolling up a wet towel, shove a bag of these sick puppies under your dorm room, hotel room, fill in the blank room door.
Roscoe, the sick puppy poster boy, has my cousin Phil looking for something to keep the beast from eating things (like an extra large homemade pizza cooling on the counter) not meant for dogs, Steelers fans included. I think surrounding the perimeter with a few Gummy Body Parts will do it. Although they smell vaguely like pineapple and Roscoe here loves fruity hair care products...
I'd rather listen to the Dual-Action Cleanse infomercial the morning after Dollar Taco Night in a communal bathroom than have a heaping helping of Gummy Body Parts (35 Calories, No Fat, 5mg Sodium, 8g Carbs, 5g Sugars and yes, 1g Protein per part). I dread to think what they look like plastered on your colon wall.
The best way to eat a body part is quickly. That way you don't have to smell them and it's over like a flaming shot, though scarier.
The teeth are a little easier to force down because they're smaller, or thinner, or maybe it's the idea of teeth eating teeth. Wait for the right moment to have fun with that concept.

Horror Gummy Tongues

The China made Walgreens Confectionery Lane Horror Gummy Tongue tastes like sugar coated fruit roll ups. There's not much more to say about these semi-creepy organs except the plastic vampire teeth they come clamped in are a nice touch and there are two in a pack weighing 2.5 ounces. They're thick. Thick as a brick. They taste as if they should be healthy (or used for chimney repair) but in reality, not so much. There is some citric acid pressed in among the corn syrup, gelatin, and pectin, but it's no surprise that something which uses "Artificial Fruit Flavor" as a selling point also contains: 110 Calories, 25g Carbs, and 18g Sugar per tongue. And say "hello" to our friends Yellow 5 and Blue 1. "Hi der."

Nanci, cousin and Candy Dish Man Ray, described her tongue simply as "Ich."
Much more interesting than the Horror Gummy Tongue is a Web site called i-mockery.com and their Two Months of Halloween celebration. They found a far cooler gummy tongue over there (Alberts Gummy Candy Tongue Ghouls, the second tongue shown via the link in the Llamas entry) as demonstrated by a cute but scraggly young man wearing a paper Gedney pickle hat, fangs, and fly goggles. We'll call him "Rog."
Hoorah for you, I-Mockery's Halloween Grab Bag. I'll tell you up front, their Ultimate Guide To The Halloween Candies of 2007 is far better than anything we'll come up with. But I'll be taking plenty-o-Freakfest 2007 photos, and this year be bringing enough cash to keep warm. I'm already thinking of the tantalzing tray full of red shots which circulated through the Brat Haus beer garden last year.
Mmmmm, red stuff.

Llamas and Such

It was bound to happen—I've got too much sugar in my diet. And the Sahara is a little sandy. The funny thing is, I'm supposed to give up milk and juice, but no one said anything about candy. And don't eat too much fruit they tell me. Then the nurse says something to the effect of, "I don't think that will be a problem for you."
So I reported her to the Italian Dairyman's Association and they stuck a box of decapitated cheese cows under her pillow.


I went to the Mount Horeb Fall Festival in search of Norske sweets anyway, and just as my cousin (pictured above) called and asked between groans (she was listening to the Badger game) if I'd seen any llamas and I asked her if she'd been drinking (a safe bet for anyone who shares our bloodline) there they were. The weed face below is named Kiwi. Is there no escaping the evil grasp of fruit?


I was too depleted from the lack of sucrose and 86 degree October weather to continue my search for Norwegian sugar, but to celebrate the new diet I traded in my bag of Craisens for a bag of gummy body parts from Walgreens. They're nasty and taste of citrus (again with the fruit). I've had a nose and a few eyeballs that look like this photo, but I haven't been able to take any pictures of my own—laziness, a life laced with a little too much crazy, I and won't talk about my hillbilly neighbor who daily hoses off her balcony and ruined photos I was trying to shoot. Let's call her Britney. Coincidentally her "K-Fed" "moved out" recently, although he's not above the four day weekend booty call. You didn't hear it from me.
And speaking of gummy body parts, a quick search brings up a Sour Patch Chewy Candy Tongue—which now I must have—mango Crazy Hair, and a game called "Eyeball Splat." Maybe I can have some Crazy Hair if I don't drink my milk.

Sugar Buzz: Twee & Luliloo Mooves On

After only three years on upper State, the Hammond sisters are closing shop in search of greener pastures.
I'd interviewed the newly minted entrepreuers just after they opened in 2004, and was heartbroken to see them sweeping up the dusty remains of their broken dreams yesterday afternoon. Okay, that's a bit much, but I hate to see another local business uprooted, especially after the evil empire across the street scattered the likes of Dotty Dumplings to the wind, aka N. Frances.
T & L was empty except for a few wooden barrels of salt water taffy and hard candy, with the odd unsold box cowering near the window. The glass counter that once held expensive chocolate was barren, and the fat jars that lined the wall with festive bulk candy were gone forever. I got all verklempt when I saw that naked wall.
Aside from Candinas, which moved somewhere on the square near the old Badger Candy Kitchen, there's a gaping sugar hole downtown. Wait, that doesn't sound right.
Where are the Badger Candy Kitchens, Karamel Krisps, Moon Fun Shops, King's and their incomprable deep fried Pizza Frenchies?
WHERE?
Nice try Twee & Luliloo, we barely knew ye.

Who's Reading?

Gourmet Candy Corn - Phooey!

I suppose the Cheeseheads who paw through my candy dish on a Football Thursday, Sunday, or Monday would like these colors. Except for the orange, a color I don't normaly allow in the house. And wash your hands, all of you.
Don't get me wrong, I love a good green apple, but who are you kidding with this gourmet candy corn business? And is there another flavor out there besides green apple? Is there?
Football Thursday? The NFL Network? Don't get me started. I'll take my Big Ben, Little Willie, and Alan Fanny free of charge on a Sunday afternoon the way the good Lord intended thank you very much.

These candy corns go by the peculiar name Candy Specimens and are by Galerie. Their website hurt my eyes and someone should tell them to turn their music down. They are having a clearance sale in Kentucky this October. Whoopty doo.
Meanwhile, don't wipe your frozen tundra on my steel curtain, and eat more fruit.

Caramel Apple Sugar Babies

Caramel Apple Sugar Babies look like mishapen lima beans and taste like sour bits of nasty. As often is the case, they're better sucked than bitten.
They look less gross than a lot of things you could pull out of your mouth, and although not good enough for couch potato candy, they'll do as emergency computer food. (Although the computer hasn't touched them and they've been sitting here for weeks.)

The stores are filled with the sweet, tart smell of green apple this time of year, but I'd easily pass these babies by for that old filling puller, the Caramel Apple Pop.
Caramel Apple Sugar Babies would probably make a good Halloween candy mix, but use sparingly as they have just enough weight and sour power to spit a fair distance.

Mummified Fingers

These suckers are so foul I'd like to give them the finger. I'm eating a melted Russell Stover Marshmallow Pumpkin to get the funky taste out my mouth. All I can say is, "Mmmph plrrf."
Excuse me. Target brand Mummified Fingers Candy Suckers, Calories 120, Sugars 15g, are almost tasteless, except for the taste of plastic.
These crummy mummies aren't so very bad until you bite into one. And then, the horror, the horror.
I like a sucker you can bite down into with a total disregard for cosmetic dentistry. I also like the "NOT A TOY!" reminder on the back of the package. Good thing, because they're made in China.
They might break your teeth, and taste like the packaging they come in, but they look cool and could be the perfect party favor for the right crowd.

Rolling In Sugar

One of my favorite things to ogle is pastry at the Rolling Pin. (I've also cranked up the AC in 85° weather to feast on their mushroom beef barley and pumpkin curry soups.)
Sometimes the pastry ogles back. Their chocolate croissants are sweet and tender and quite flirtatious with a giddy chocolate center. Many of their baked goods are art. ("This is art. This is soup.")
Their pink cream puff swans are so attractive (I'd guess strawberry, but with them you never know) that I'd feel guilty eating one. The watermelon and s'more cookies, a sassy pair of picnic foods, leered back at me from behind the glass, so in the white bag they went.

Sugary and thick, you have to work at finishing a watermelon cookie. Great dunked, nibbled, waved under someone's nose, or just to celebrate getting your dental insurance back, this cookie can be refrigerated and saved for days with minimal taste loss.
The s'more, well that's pure evil in a baked good. It's huge, like most of their cookies, but has marshmallows sandwiched in between not one, but two thick chocolate chunk cookies. There's a lake of chocolate coating on top.


It's a crumbly one, the s'more, and about as messy as a graham cracker. You can nibble it from the ends for days. Well, maybe two, three days tops. I'm not crazy about barely browned pie crusts or cookies, especially in something this doubly thick, but like the Rolling Pin's white chocolate raspberry (exquisite) and red velvet cookies, generous chunks-o-chocolate make you smile. And giggle. And dance around your apartment until you crash, vowing to eat nothing but fruit and raw vegetables for a week. We'll see how that goes.

Wine Gums

I found these gummies teetering between the PMS mints and the gummy bandages, not too far from the Hot Flash mints and Vertigo cookies.
Quelle surprise, there's a whole wine gum culture out there. Maynards and Pascall—what doesn't Cadbury Schweppes own—seem to be what people crave most.
Here's an interesting tidbit from the English Tea Store:
"Maynard's Wine Gums are no longer permitted to be imported into the USA because of the food colorings used in the candy. Norfolk Manor Wine Gums are made in the UK according to US specifications on food colorings."
First they steal Madonna (ta), then they Dixie Chick the Dixie Chicks, and now, tainted wine gums. What next, trick us into pretending we like soccer? We have a what now?

So, Posh Becks, Pop Specs, flop sweat, we came across a few boxes of Norfolk Manor Wine Gums at Gem City. They're oval shaped wine flavors you can pretend are flasks or bottles. Fun for the kids. I found wine gums good for watching SOAPnet in the wee hours after you've worn out your welcome on the upper end of State Street. A little weird and kind of crusty when you expect chewy, and fruity when they should be chock full of illegal dye goodness, but I liked them. Bit off the ends like Nik-L-Nips and pretended I was drinking cheap chardonnay.
They won't replace Dots or Jujyfruits, but they're warmly addictive and go well with chocolate cheese.

Clem's Mailbag: Boo Royals

Dear Readers,
A few of you curious kitties wanted the final word on the Boo "royal" puddles. Here is what that dear man Ralph Pierce wrote:
"Yes you are correct, originally the company wanted to show off it's great caramel and they decided to deposit the caramel on the nuts and allow the buyer to see the great nuts topped with the caramel so the idea was to 'crown' the candy with the chocolate rather than enrobe the whole piece of candy. Thus you have a 'royal' piece of candy of nuts, our own great caramel and topped with delicious milk chocolate."
Please enjoy this short video.